This is part 13 of the “I Think I Might be Autistic” series.

Disclosure, it turns out, is a sticky issue. My first instinct was, “This is great! I have an explanation for my difficulties. I’ll tell everyone and they’ll be as happy about it as I am.”

Er, no. Disclosure makes people uncomfortable. Most people don’t know what to say. Many will reassure you that it makes no difference and then proceed to treat you differently. Even in the people who are very accepting, you may notice the occasional patronizing statement or doubt about your competence–little shifts in the way this person sees you now that you’re autistic.

Not that you weren’t autistic before, of course. But handing a label as loaded as autistic to another person changes things, like it or not.

Who to Share Your Diagnosis With

Some people openly disclose to everyone. Others share only with close friends and/or family. Some people disclose in stages, starting with an inner circle and working outward as they feel more comfortable.

As you think about disclosure, keep one thing in mind: it’s irrevocable. Once you share your news with someone, you can’t unshare it. You also can’t guarantee that the person you’ve shared with will keep your disclosure private. They may inadvertently or intentionally “out” you to someone you aren’t ready to share with.

Still, many of the people in our lives already know that we’re a little different. Generally, most people choose to share their diagnosis with the people closest to them. This might include immediate family, close friends and/or a significant other. If you prefer not to share beyond this inner circle of people, be sure to make it clear when disclosing that your diagnosis is private information.

Beyond your inner circle, it may become harder to decide who to share with. Obviously, you don’t need to notify casual acquaintances but what about work colleagues, supervisors, professors or others that you interact with regularly?

It may help to consider the consequences of disclosing versus not disclosing. If you’ve only recently been diagnosed then you already have a good idea of what not disclosing looks like. Are you happy with the current situation? Would disclosing allow you to ask for needed supports or accommodations? Is it possible that disclosing would create more risks than benefits?

There are real dangers to disclosure in some situations. You can open yourself to discrimination and bias, especially when it comes to work, school, or your parenting rights. I’m not writing this to frighten anyone. Just be sure you’ve done your homework and thought through the possible consequences before choosing to disclose your diagnosis. If you’re unsure, consider talking with a trusted friend or mentor before making a decision.

What to Say

There are two ways to go about disclosure. You can make a full disclosure, using the words autistic, Asperger’s syndrome or autism spectrum disorder. If you decide to go this route, be prepared to do some education. There’s a good chance the other person’s first reaction will be “but you don’t seem/look/act that autistic” or “I never would have guessed” or some other similarly awkward reply.

Preparing a short script describing autism as a neurological condition that impacts your communication, socialization and sensory processing can be helpful. The operative word here is short. You don’t need to give the person a TED talk on autism. Just share a few facts relevant to your situation, including what kind of accommodations or supports you’re requesting.

If you aren’t going to request accommodations, it’s probably best not to disclose in a work situation, unless you’re the kind of person who is confident with being out to everyone. Because of the stigma associated with ASD, the risks of workplace disclosure can be significant and irreparable.

There is always the possibility that disclosure will bring with it the subtle, hard-to-prove sort of discrimination that doesn’t rise to the point of being actionable under law. Although autism falls under the purview of the Americans With Disabilities Act, human social interaction is unpredictable and fraught with gray areas.

You may be able to request accommodations or supports without using the word autism, if that feels safer. For example, if you have a job doing data entry in a noisy workspace, you can explain to your supervisor that wearing noise canceling headphones will enhance your concentration and make you more productive.

If this request is well received, you don’t need to disclose your disability if you prefer not to. If it’s not received well, you’ll likely have to disclose that you’re autistic to gain accommodations under the Americans With Disabilities Act. It’s a good idea to do some research about your rights and your employer’s obligations under ADA before proceeding. For example, here is a list of common types of accommodations.

While ADA provides a minimum set of rights and obligations, some disability-friendly workplaces may be willing to do more to accommodate employees. On the other hand, be aware that small businesses (fewer than 15 employees) are not subject to ADA requirements. That doesn’t mean that a small business won’t be willing to work with you on accommodations, just that they aren’t required to under law.

When to Disclose

There is one more caveat to the choice not to disclose. If you don’t share information about your disability upfront, sharing it when you find yourself in a bind will probably not be helpful. For example, two months into a new job, your supervisor calls you into his office and says you’re being put on probationary status due to poor performance. This is not the time to disclose that you’re struggling because you really needed to get all of your instructions in writing or you need to have tasks broken down into smaller elements with more closely supervised due dates . . . because you have autism.

If you know you’ll need accommodations to successfully complete work or school tasks, ask for them upfront. If you discover that you need accommodations in the course of doing a task, request them as soon as possible. Don’t wait until you’re on the verge of disaster. This will be seen by most people as “using your disability as an excuse.” Fair or not, that’s how it will be perceived, possibly making it harder to gain the needed accommodations or even to keep your job in the long run.

There is also a special situation in which you may need to unexpectedly disclose your condition: an emergency. Some autistic people carry a card or letter in their wallet briefly describing what ASD is and how it might affect their responses in an emergency. If you lose speech, respond negatively to being touched by strangers, or have sensitivities to flashing lights or loud noises, this information can be especially helpful for law enforcement and other first responders. This type of disclosure can prevent police or emergency medical personnel from mistakenly thinking that you’re drunk or intentionally uncooperative.

How to Disclose

I’m going to step backward here a bit and address this to those who are diagnosed and those who aren’t because disclosure is something that I found taking place at all stages of the journey. In the very early days of learning about ASD, you may find yourself needing to talk about your suspicions or realizations with someone close to you. As you move through the self-discovery and diagnostic process, you may need to talk with family members to gather information about your childhood or confirm details about yourself.

Disclosure doesn’t only happen after a diagnosis. It can take place in stages, along a continuum. So here are some suggestions that may apply during different stages of the process:

• Request a formal meeting or schedule a conversation. This signals that what you intend to say is important. Most appropriate for work and school related disclosures. Also good for situations where you’re concerned that the other party may not take you seriously.
• Raise your diagnosis informally in conversation, when the opportunity arises. Probably more appropriate for those you anticipate being supportive.
• Share an article about ASD. This is a good way to open the “does this sound like me?” conversation with someone close to you. 
• Send an email or letter disclosing your diagnosis and sharing relevant background information about ASD. Good for disclosing to people you find hardest to tell, for example family members who you’re concerned might have a critical reaction. 
• Share a form letter or informational flyer. An efficient way to share key facts in situations like emergencies or when requesting accommodations from public places (like a theme park). The book Ask and Tell has some good examples of form letters for specific situations.
• Enlist an ally. If you’re faced with an especially hard disclosure situation, an ally can help you deliver the news, answer questions and/or offer moral support, especially if there’s a chance you might become nonverbal during the encounter.

Why Are You Disclosing

Ultimately, this is the most important question. Before you disclose to someone, ask yourself what you expect to happen. Are you disclosing to ask for accommodations or understanding? Are you seeking acceptance and support?

What if you don’t get what you’re seeking? Sadly, this is often the outcome. Disclosure is hard. It requires a certain amount of fortitude, not just for the act of disclosing but for standing up to all that follows in the wake of it. Think it through, go slowly and enlist support from trusted people in your life.

Up next: An Evolving Sense of Self