Continued from Part 1
There was joy in that realization and also sadness. My diagnosis came too late to help me in my role as a mother when my daughter was young, a role that I often struggled with. Many aspects of being autistic can make the child-rearing years of motherhood challenging.
Babies have round-the-clock needs. They’re stressful, messy, unpredictable and demanding. Basically they are everything that an autistic person finds hard to cope with. Gone was my precious alone time. Gone were my carefully crafted routines. Even my body was no longer my own, transformed first by pregnancy then by postpartum hormones and breastfeeding.
I was completely unprepared for how hard motherhood would be. Unaware that I was autistic, I often felt like a bad mom. What kind of mother breaks down sobbing uncontrollably and bangs her head against the dining room wall? Certainly none that I was aware of at the time.
Perhaps knowing why I was having so many meltdowns–or even having a proper word for the those scary sobbing, headbanging episodes–would have made the early days of motherhood easier. Perhaps knowing that I have a social communication impairment would have pushed me to understand why it’s important for a mother to frequently say “I love you” to her child. Continue reading At the Intersection of Gender and Autism – Part 2